Hey ich möchte mich bei der ESB dieses Jahr bewerben und habe dafür mal ein Motivationsschreiben mal geschrieben. Könnt ihr da mal drüber schauen und mir Fehler oder Verbesserungen nennen? Danke für eure Hilfe!
...

This essay is supposed to consider the question of ?Why do I want to study International Business and how can it help me to pursue my career goals??.

Even though there are probably hundreds of meaningful reasons to engage in this course of study, here is my personal argumentation for studying International Business at your highly reputed university.

It might sound weird, but everything started with my interest in Apple Inc. . Since my encountering with products from Apple and their way of selling them, I got very curious about how the process works. I was fascinated by developing something truly amazing and commercializing it, so that millions of people around the world will end up with the desire to possess it. That way I started to get interested in economic interrelationships, marketing and also business studies.
I grew up in a relatively small city in Baden-Württemberg, but I always had the desire to get to know the world and especially foreign cultures. Therefore I decided to spent time abroad to follow my curiosity, after I would have finished my Abitur. Subsequent to my successful graduation from the XXX in XXX, which I left as one of the best students of my year, I went to Santa Barbara for nine months. Not only did I improve my English considerably and discovered new sides of myself, I also encountered highly interesting people and cultures. The time in California encouraged me to be even more passionate and determined about a global and multicultural career for my future.

This leads me now to my striven career goals, which I hope to achieve after receiving a high-quality degree of your university. My career aspirations are based on two simple facts. First of all I would like to work in a global company, where I have the possibility to change something for the better. I know that it is really ambitious to say ?I want to change the world!?, but that is kind of what I have in mind. Even though I might change something small, I would have reached this goal of mine.
Secondly it is important for me to be convinced of what I do and to have faith in it.
International Business fulfills both of those requests for me in a special way. Insofar as it is a field of employment where faith, determination, creativity and competitiveness can lead up to positive impact and change for thousands of people.
This argument especially stresses my intention of studying International Business, it includes things I truly enjoy like competition, diversity, creativity with an international focus.

The ESB Reutlingen shows exactly those characteristics which I was looking for in a course of studies, as well as in a university. Studying with highly motivated people in an innovative and creative environment distinguishes the difference between your university and others.
I would feel extremely honored if I would get the chance to achieve my goals with your help. Furthermore I believe that also the ESB Reutlingen would profit from my ambitious and passionate attitude towards this field of study.

Yours sincerely,

Finde ich nicht schlecht. Ich würde nur noch etwas mehr darauf eingehen, warum es genau die EBS sein soll und keine andere, das hast du sehr allgemein geschrieben.
Warum unbedingt die EBS? Bezug zur Praxis und Kontakte zur Wirtschaft? Eingebaute Praxisphasen?
Bis jetzt liest es sich so, als ob du Int. Business auch an jeder anderen Uni studieren könntest.

Danke für den Tipp!
Ist der Style in dem ich den Text geschrieben habe okay oder eher zu informell?

liest sich gut soweit. nur ein paar kleine dinge.

new sides of myself - was meinst du damit? das klingt seltsam. vielleicht mit leben füllen oder streichen / ersetzen.

nach first und secondly am satzanfang ein komma setzen. und entweder oder - beides mit ly am ende oder beide ohne ly.

schau mal auf der website der uni, ob und welche werte und leitsätze die haben. versuch dann diese in dein schreiben zu verpacken. vielleicht auch umschreiben oder direkt dann nennen, wie es dir besser gefällt. ich denke der uni wird es wichtig sein, warum du gerade bei denen studieren willst.

viel erfolg

würde nochmal drüberlesen , einige fehler sind schon beim ersten durchlesen gefunden worden.

vor allem es ist ein schreiben und kein gespräch, also passe deinen stil an die situation an . ( It might sound weird )
Und gib dir mehr mühe bei deinen zielen. du möchtest die welt verändern, auch wenn es nur im kleinen ist... das haben wohl von 100 bewerbern 98 stehen, das glaubt dir auch kein mensch und sind einfach behauptungen ohne beweis

Klingt noch sehr "verdeutscht", als würdest Du den deutschen Satz jeweils direkt ins Englische übersetzen. Daher ziemlich "abgehakt" und nicht flüssig / Lebendig...

Lounge Gast schrieb:

Hey ich möchte mich bei der ESB dieses Jahr bewerben und habe
dafür mal ein Motivationsschreiben mal geschrieben. Könnt ihr
da mal drüber schauen und mir Fehler oder Verbesserungen
nennen? Danke für eure Hilfe!
...

This essay is supposed to consider the question of ?Why do I
want to study International Business and how can it help me
to pursue my career goals??.
-> Fragezeichen weg

Even though there are probably hundreds of meaningful reasons
to engage in this course of study, here is my personal
argumentation for studying International Business at your
highly reputed university.
-> hundreds of good reasons (meaningful ist verdeutscht und passt nicht)

It might sound weird, but everything started with my interest
in Apple Inc. . Since my encountering with products from
Apple and their way of selling them, I got very curious about
how the process works. I was fascinated by developing
something truly amazing and commercializing it, so that
millions of people around the world will end up with the
desire to possess it. That way I started to get interested in
economic interrelationships, marketing and also business
studies.
I grew up in a relatively small city in Baden-Württemberg,
but I always had the desire to get to know the world and
especially foreign cultures. Therefore I decided to spent
time abroad to follow my curiosity, after I would have
finished my Abitur. Subsequent to my successful graduation
from the XXX in XXX, which I left as one of the best students
of my year, I went to Santa Barbara for nine months. Not only
did I improve my English considerably and discovered new
sides of myself, I also encountered highly interesting people
and cultures. The time in California encouraged me to be even
more passionate and determined about a global and
multicultural career for my future.

This leads me now to my striven career goals, which I hope to
achieve after receiving a high-quality degree of your
university.
-> Zu verdeutscht.. this leads me
My career aspirations are based on two simple
facts. First of all I would like to work in a global company,
where I have the possibility to change something for the
better. I know that it is really ambitious to say ?I want to
change the world!?, but that is kind of what I have in mind.
Even though I might change something small, I would have
reached this goal of mine.
Secondly it is important for me to be convinced of what I do
and to have faith in it.
International Business fulfills both of those requests for me
in a special way. Insofar as it is a field of employment
where faith, determination, creativity and competitiveness
can lead up to positive impact and change for thousands of
people.
This argument especially stresses my intention of studying
International Business, it includes things I truly enjoy like
competition, diversity, creativity with an international focus.

The ESB Reutlingen shows exactly those characteristics which
I was looking for in a course of studies, as well as in a
university. Studying with highly motivated people in an
innovative and creative environment distinguishes the
difference between your university and others.
I would feel extremely honored if I would get the chance to
achieve my goals with your help. Furthermore I believe that
also the ESB Reutlingen would profit from my ambitious and
passionate attitude towards this field of study.

Yours sincerely,
-> Kind regards (das andere ist veraltert!)

Ich würde das lieber von einem native speaker nachsehen lassen,
so klingt das, als ob das deutsche Original in Google Übersetzer
gehauen wurde.